And no, I have no idea why the photo app turned my eyes from blue to brown!?
2020 was HARD! It sucked capitalised Donkey Balls! I think we can all agree on that.
What's been most frustrating for me is that my depression has started biting harder and more frequently again. After many years of navel gazing & self-love, I'd gotten the hang of it and kept my mental health moderately stable. So, to see it sink is terrifying and annoying. But, there's no escaping that it's taken a battering. As, I'm sure, have many people's.
Social isolation is a form of torture - prisoners put in isolation spring to mind. We humans, as a species, are a pack animal - we rely on social structure. To deny us this basic requirement was always going to have a detrimental effect. No days out with my bestie or mother-in-law. Confined to quarters for most of the year.
Plus, and again, I'm not alone; the financial impact. My book sales were lower and I have had 0 temp jobs since the end of January 2020. I managed to get a few shifts on the run-up to Christmas, but with another lockdown, they're not able to onboard me permanently.
Yet outgoings have not stopped. My meagre savings are whittling down. And I've fallen through the cracks of government assistance. When I know people who have claimed benefits for many years whilst I've worked and paid into the system for well over 20 years, this is rankles deeply.
And poor old Pusskin became terribly unwell - she's had a few seizures and now I live in constant worry she's about to have another one with every twitch she makes. It's very stressful!
2021 arrived, and I KNEW it wasn't about to suddenly make everything magickally better. But my birthday happened. January birthdays are usually miserable, but this one was especially so. Not only was it cold & damp with the usual reluctance to celebrate from others (except Hubby), it had the added benefit of not even being able to go out for a splendid meal.
I had a mild chest infection on the run-up to Christmas. Then in the new year, another one struck. Illness often sucks me into a downward spiral.
Oh, and I was hormonal. It was the perfect storm!
I got triggered. For the first time in ages, I reached "active suicidal ideation" - I was thinking of when and how. In detail. Now, the sensible part of me knew to put a long date on that, so I got through no harm done. But it was a struggle, and I'm not going to deny it. If someone had handed me a way out at that moment I'd have taken it.
This is not somewhere I thought I'd get to again. There's usually a slippery slope into such darkness, and I've become an expert at spotting the early indicators and taking precautionary measures to boost myself back up - a safety rope to cling onto.
It's scary how suddenly and deeply this bout hit.
I'm Mrs Positive - I start each day with a meditation and a positive message on Instagram. I literally wrote the book on Self Love. How the af did this happen? I don't know, and that's the most distressing part. It wasn't even a decent trigger ffs. It was just a culmination of mildly poopey things.
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Depression. It is the darkest of dark. It is the loneliest of lonely. It is the most despairing of despair.
It can feel like you're in a deep, dark well. Or caged in with nowhere to turn. Trapped.
BUT it is not the end. You can climb out of that pit, I promise.
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"THIS TOO SHALL PASS" once more saved me. It is a mantra I practice daily so it's ready and waiting for such times. It's short and meaningful.
After storms there are rainbows. Keep walking through.
Nothing is forever.
That's why I'm writing this blog post; a reminder to anyone else who needs it. It is not a woe is me piece. There are plenty of people worse off.
But there are people experiencing dark thoughts - more than ever, and some poor souls are suffering in this way for the first time. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I know of someone, far too young, who recently took their own life. There but by the Grace of God and all that.
When someone reaches that dreadful conclusion there are always people around them who suffer in turn - the what ifs and guilt are monumental. One would not like to bring that down upon another soul.
Plus, y'know, you don't want to give up just before the good bit!!
Find your safe place or happy thought - the one thing you can cling to which brings enough comfort to keep going just for one more day. Then another. And another. Gradually, you get through.
And there's so much help out there. If you don't have friends or family who understand, there are many helplines. Please, please reach out. Asking for help is the most important thing someone in crisis will do. It takes courage and strength, but it's so worth it.
You are valid. You have as much right to exist as anyone else. You are loved.
Life is a journey. There are bad times but there are also good times. It's about learning to balance the light with the darkness - one cannot exist without the other.
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