PONDERINGS - Grief

 

Mine is not an extraordinary grief. Every single day people lose loved ones. And Pusskin, my beloved familiar, was definitely a loved one. 

15th February 2021 - we had to make the unthinkable Decision to the unaskable Question. Her seizures were occurring daily. Her hips were worsening. Her eyesight and hearing had been drastically reduced. When she gave us The Look, we knew we had to do the right thing by her. 

But knowing you've stopped a pet suffering, that you did the best thing for them doesn't ease the pain, does it? 

As a trained counsellor, I KNOW the grief cycle:

• Shock
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Nope, knowing what you're going through doesn't ease the pain either. 

And oddly, they miss off 'guilt'. Every single death I have known or seen others go through involves some form of feelings of guilt - it's an odd one but it's there. Those "what ifs" can really hold you back - don't listen to them. Things happened the way they did - no changing it. And just maybe they had to be that way (as much as we perhaps wish otherwise). 

Hubby rarely takes time off work but in Divine Timing, it so happens he was here with me.

As soon as Hubby and I returned from the vet, I rounded the corner ready to announce my arrival home to Pusskin with a cuddle - doh! 

I immediately took her things away from my eyeline . Nope, that didn't help either. 

I still checked her litter tray on my way to the loo as well. 

And I keep watching where I tread in case she's under my feet. And when I was making my dinner (which I had no interest in), she wasn't weaving around then either. 

It's the stupid things as much as the meaningful. I even miss her annoying ways, like demanding to go outside only to come straight back in. 

Mostly, I miss her excitement as I come downstairs first thing for hugs. 

I miss my writing buddy. She's not even supervising through her closed eyelids, snoring as I type this. 

Pusskin was constantly by my side. And now she's never there. 

There's a hole. A gaping, blood-seeping, oozing, cat-shaped hole in my life. 

Everything hurts right now - my eyes, my head, my heart, my soul. 

That dinner I made - it was barely touched. Food turns to ash in my mouth. 

I don't know what to do, where to put myself. My eyes keep leaking. 

I KNOW this too shall pass. But right now, it hurts like *** (insert expletive). 

There's nothing I can do but cry my way through. 

I've lost so many loved ones in my life. I know my stages well. Nope, still not any easier. 

Every loss is its own turmoil, bringing unutterable pain and anguish. Every...damn...time. 

There may well be people out there thinking, "It's only a cat!" - screw them! They clearly don't know. Pets become family. No, they're not 'people'. But that does not make them 'less'. 

Pusskin had the added benefit of being my familiar. There was a stronger bond with her than I've ever maybe had with any animal. We felt each other's feelings and even illness. She was my guardian and I was hers.

When I had a bad back and was bedridden a few years ago, she sat on my duvet, quietly playing nurse kitty. We even watched films together on my laptop.

We'd make space for each other on the sofa we shared. 

We cared for one another. 

I loved her so much that I could not let her suffer. 

I will always love Pusskin. She has carried a piece of my heart over the rainbow bridge with her. And one day, I too shall cross and we will have muchly cuddles again. 

Until then, I am left behind, learning to cope with this pain. To adapt to life without my furry friend.

No no no, this is not a woe is me post. We know that's not my style. 

I say all this because, as always, and as I said at the start, mine is not an extraordinary grief. It is very very ordinary. Grief is not a competition. It is a crapbag, sure, but not a competition.

I share because I care. Because someone somewhere needs to see this and know they are understood and they're not alone. 

There is not an experience on Earth that another has not endured. 

We all grieve. We all love. We all feel pain. We all feel joy. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

And neither am I. 

Just in case I was ever in any doubt, my own fb and Instagram have proven how loved and supported I am. Because others around me know how painful loss is - whether it be human or with paws. And I thank every single person who took the time to like, comment or message me. You really are helping me through, even if you don't know it. 💓

Just to add some comforting experiences since I typed this initial post...

I went into the garden to connect with nature whilst I grounded myself. I needed to bring my turmoil into some sort of semblance of balance. As I did so, I felt all the love I had given Pusskin return - not to my own energy but in a sort of pink, fluffy cloud surrounding me. It was ever so comforting.💟

Also, a feather drifted down outside the door in the exact place she'd be at that time, the morning after she passed. I had asked (and this is my belief, feel free to hold your own) Archangel Uriel to take Pusskin into his care, to ensure she crossed the rainbow bridge quickly and easily. 

Fine, there may have been a few cross words about what would happen if that did not transpire. No, one should not speak to angels this way but I'm not one - I was hurt and I'm sure they understand my grumpy ways. 

Anyway, this feather was my confirmation that Pusskin is in angelic care.

As if that wasn't enough, Hubby and I were driving out. At the moment I mentioned her name, another white feather floated down near the car - even Hubby pointed it out! 

But before I get 'all about me', if you too are going through loss, do look out for signs if they bring you comfort. Butterflies, bees and certain birds are often also common ones. Or random pennies. Even meaningful songs on the radio. It's all about what you believe and find comfort in. 

OK, that's probably enough. I'll go back to my discombobulation. 

Just know I send you love 💓 because...

Always in love and light,

TL