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Entry 9 - Triggers (not to be confused with trigger warnings)
So, what has me flying into crisis mode?
I do dance with depression. It's a less frequent visitor these days, but it still pops by, usually if I'm overly tired or am about to come down with a cold.
My self-hatred rears up if I feel like I've failed. I'm super competitive. I still have some incredibly high standards for myself - better than I was, but still a work in progress.
I'm also a bundle of hormones - there's one or two days each month that my anger is much closer to the surface.
Add to all this, time pressures and if there's a financial squeeze, then it's time to nosedive!
Occasionally, I'm caught unawares.
Smell is a powerful memory-jogger.
Recently, I encountered a chap. He had the 'alcoholic eye' going on (children of alcoholics know the glazed, dilated pupil look) and he smelled of 'old pub'. He was in fairly close proximity and I had to speak to him. But inwardly, alarm bells were going off like crazy. My flight reaction had been triggered but I wasn't able to obey it.
The chap himself wasn't any real threat, but the warning signs of old were there all the same. My instincts told me he was a potential threat.
I wasn't expecting this at all, and felt a bit wobbly for the rest of the day. My head kept replaying the scenario as I examined why I had such a powerful reaction.
And actually, a brief moment of closing my eyes, deep breathing and shielding helped restore my sense of security.
But, I am now more self-aware than ever before. I'm aware of these triggers and my mood.
Sometimes, removing myself from the situation is enough e.g. a quiet lie down in a darkened room until my blood stops boiling when angered.
My mantra: THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Not gonna lie; sometimes, shoving chocolate or crisps into my gob is still a soother.
KL Montgomery's 4 Happy P's challenge
1) My Happy PLACE
I have one in my mind I can go to via meditation if I can't physically get out.
But time in the forest is definitely a great place.
Sometimes, the seaside.
Or the lighting section in John Lewis - ooh, pretty shinies 😁 (slightly akin to Breakfast at Tiffany's?)
My luxury option is the spa at Chewton Glen (*ahhh*)
2) Happy PEOPLE
Hubby 💖
My bestie
Or step Girl
My spiritual lady - she's with the angels now, but I still reflect on her presence, think of the things she used to tell me
3) Happy PASSIONS
Hello, Mrs!? 😉 Oh, hobbies, right.
Playing my flute - music soothes the savage beast, and all that
Horse riding - sadly not much of an option these days
Going abroad, experiencing a different life
Vegging in front of films
4) Happy PLEASURES
A good massage
Self-Reiki / grounding
Hot bubble bath, preferably with candles and wine
Listening to music
Reading
Anything crafty with my hands (keeps my mind occupied)
Always in love and light,
TL
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