JOURNAL - The Fat Girl's Guide to Loving Your Body - entry 7

Book available to buy here

Entry 7 - Lady parts - yep, going there but nope, you don't get a photo! 

Eurgh, hormones!! 
Like KL, I swear I'm getting worse as I get older. As "that time" approaches I feel my blood beginning to boil. I can hear myself sounding like The Bitch From Hell but am powerless to stop it. I KNOW when I'm being unreasonable and yet my inner dragon roars on. 

I did receive some great advice; stop fighting it!
Kinda acknowledge the wench and maybe give her some chocolate. She won't get any better with being told off. So treat her gently, with loving care. Help her through the inevitable turbulence. 

Hubby is very finely tuned into my moods. I'm so lucky! 
He'll ensure there's extra red meat in the fridge, enough chocolate in the cupboard and he keeps his distance a little. Sure, his head does grow back when I bite it off but it's still best to avoid that painful process, huh? 😉

Kinda dreading The Change tbh. I may have to move out for a while - lol 
I hear Sweden's lovely, and there's plenty of snow when I get flushes. Tee hee. 

lol - just searched 'hormones' in Pixabay and lots of chocolate pics showed up. I feel so judged!? 

Voldemort has nothing compared to me with PMS! lol

On Ageing

Just adding as a little note at the bottom here.
I fully intend to grow old disgracefully. That is, to get more eccentric as I get older (I am already "The Unicorn Lady" in one office I've temped at, so there's a high bar!). Embracing me more fully. Maybe I'll do that Japanese thing and get some gold makeup to highlight my wrinkles like they do on pottery? Hm, maybe a bit far even for me. Nice thought though 😁

Care less about appearance, care more for those I love and live life more fully! 💓
More yoga - let's help Body to live up to this pledge, eh?

FaceApp suggestion of what I'll look like when older

Always in love and light,
TL

JOURNAL - The Fat Girl's Guide to Loving Your Body - entry 6

Book available to buy here

Entry 6 - List; all the diets

Over the years I did try a few diets. Let's see...

The Special K Diet
The one where you eat that bland, bran cereal for breakfast and lunch, then have a "normal" dinner.
I was hungry, bored, irritable and it did nothing!? 

Slimfast - just bleurgh. It was before their snacks. It was just icky shakes. 

The Juice Diet
7 days of nothing but juices. 
To be fair, this was more for charity and I raised money, so yay. 
But OMG this was awful!! I MISSED CHEWING!!! 
Some juices were nicer than others. Most were moderately tasty.
But it cost a fortune (bought a snazzy juicer which has never been used since and a supermarket's worth of fruit & veg). 
My skin didn't clear up, I didn't feel energised but I did lose a bit of weight (the 7lbs in 7 days as predicted). 
BUT it all came back on after as, yep, I started eating my usual things again (*smacks head*). 

Hubby tried and failed a whole lot more. 

Here's what I found - the more I tried to diet the more weight I put on. 
What?? 
Yep. Because my main focus shifted TO food and then I deprived myself of it, I was constantly worried I didn't have any. So I ended up snacking MORE. And bingeng. 

However, I then tried Slimming World. 
Now, Hubby and I went together and did it our own way. 
Neither of us believe in sweeteners (nasty things!). 
BUT it DID make us say goodbye to Takeaway Friday 😭 JustEat had turned this into a habit - we didn't even have to leave our safe, warm house. Food just magickally appeared!? Ever had healthy takeaway?? Nope! 

Another big change was sugar. 
I reduced my orange juice - this was just as we all became aware of the pitfalls of this healthy juice!
I also reduced the sugar in my (black) coffee from 2 to 1. 
And the evening sweets (candy) were given the heave-ho. 

We started playing with food - cooking with fresh ingredients (not jars or ready meals). 
We found healthy food we enjoyed eating and could eat forever. 

We found going to group each week and being weighed held us accountable and we were part of a club - others were in the same boat and we could support one another.

And we started exercising. I introduced yoga and pilates into my life and discovered I enjoy jogging 😯 Who knew? 

So, I lost 2.5 stone and Hubby lost 5.5 stone. 

I appreciate it's not for everyone. But it helped us. And we've mostly kept it off.
These days, I try to keep the weight off to stay in the same size clothes (buying a couple of different "wardrobes" during my weightloss was expensive!) and to be healthy. 
Last year was an eye-opener when my back "went" - it's vital to keep my joints supple to avoid that agony! 

Pretty sure I've covered this already, but hey, I'm doing my homework like a good girl. 

Always in love and light,

TL

JOURNAL - The Fat Girl's Guide to Loving Your Body - entry 5

Book available to buy here

Entry 5 - Letter to the Haters - or is it?

I am not Christian but was brought up with teachings from that religion. And one phrase has stuck with me, one which is echoed through many other religions...

"Judge not, that ye may be not judged."

Others thoughts, such as we dislike in others most what we dislike in ourselves spring to mind. 

None of us are 100% certain what happens when we die, but what if we do stand in a Day of Judgement? And what if God, in whatever form, judges us as we have judged others? 
Can you say that judgement would be fair and just? Or would it be a little harsh? 

I could rant about how others have found fault in me but what's the point? 
Yes, I have plenty of faults and I am aware of them. But I do not always agree with the findings of others. Then I get angry at them. 
But why? My anger will do nothing to them and may well hurt me.
Besides, it says a lot about their own sad little lives that they feel the need to sit in judge others before taking a good, hard look at themselves. 

I am still my own harshest critic. Whatever anyone else says it won't be as bad as what I tell myself!
This has been highlighted the past couple of weeks. I have been working as a temp. It's a place I've been working for a lengthy period, and they now have higher expectations of my work. These expectations are not realistic as is. I found it frustrating. And I was upset by their harsh words. But the worst part was my own self-recrimination. 
I felt like a failure and chastised myself despite knowing full well I had not received thorough instruction. I am not a mind-reader! Yet, that voice was still in my head, whispering, "See, you're not good enough." 

One can only let others upset you if you allow them. 
A strong sense of self-worth is required, more so now in this digital age than ever. 
KNOW this...

"You are enough." 

 Goodness help me if I am judged on the standards I set myself!?

My own self-love journey has made considerable headway. 90% of the time I have that self-belief that I am doing my best and that's just grand.
However, I still wobble, particularly when tired. And this week I reached actual exhaustion - oops!
Guess what happens when you're exhausted. Yep, you actually do make silly mistakes. And then you start clobbering yourself over the head more - vicious circle here! (*smacks head*)

These days, I can even say I literally wrote the book on self-love but that curiously adds pressure.
I have never declared myself "cured" and will always tell you I'm a work in progress. But having written that book, that niggly little inner-critic now says I should be an expert and be better. Pah!
I am as good as I can be and that is enough.

The people who comment - they're not always doing so out of spite. Often, they think they're showing concern and are just a bit misguided.
Forgive them. And forgive yourself.
After all, I bet they have plenty of faults themselves.

(psst...this includes towards yourself!)

The Prayer of St Francis hymn always struck my soul deeply. Even as a child, it would often bring tears to my eyes. "Make me a channel of your peace (& love)"
Buddhist teachings have also requested us to act with love first. Be compassionate.
It's good advice.

Believe in yourself so much that the words of others cannot harm you. Then they can say whatever they want - pooh to them with knobs on! Who cares what they think?
At least, that's my aim.

Isn't that why I'm reading KL's book? To learn how to improve my self-love?
Is that not why I wrote my own novel?
Sure is. Who's with me?

So, give yourself a hug - yes, actually!
And carry on with your day.


Always in love and light,
TL
(sending you an extra virtual hug)

REVIEW - Fairy Tales for Millenials - huff and puff and...

 Date read: 24th January 2020 (1st review of the year!)

My rating: 5*

Genre I reckon: Satirical Fairytales 

Buy link: Amazon

This book was actually a Christmas present from my mother-in-law, bless her. 

I'll start by saying this book made me actually lol 😂

I'm not a Millenial btw, I'm a Gen X (often forgotten about - middle child syndrome!) 

Anyway...

This book takes some of the most infamous fairy tales and gives them a modern twist. 

Gone are outdated viewpoints! 

They have forms of social media and even Ogre Eats in Fairyland now, you know 👍

Look, different people are going to find different stories here funnier than others. It's all personal taste. 

Cinderella may have been my fave, but she always has been.

Only now, she gets full on independent princess status, lol. 

Sleeping Beauty is totally woke! 

Booyakasha (or whatever the young people say now!?).  

Kudos on the non-evil stepmother btw 😉

I feel sorry for the poor wolves - there's clearly still more work to be done on wolf/human relations. Haha! 

I read the original Grimm's tales btw - they were terribly gruesome. 

These are far more light-hearted. 

Give this book a go for a giggle. 

Always in love and light,

TL

JOURNAL - The Fat Girl's Guide to Loving Your Body - entry 4

Book available to buy here

Entry 4 - Letters to My Parts

So, the next journal assignments are letters to one’s body parts. I’m going to do a few together here otherwise there’ll be too many odd individual blog posts to each body part, and this is my author blog; it’d just be a bit weird as a series.

Feet & Legs
Dear Feet,
Thank you for getting me around, supporting my every step. People have put dry-ice and horrible things on when you picked up verrucas. And I’ve squeezed you into some terribly uncomfortable shoes. I’m sorry.
Horses have stepped on you. And I’ve moaned about you being too narrow – it does make my poor sense of balance harder to manage. But you’ve always done your best. It’s not your fault. I thank and love you.

My thighs – you have stretch marks from when I put on and lost weight. But I see those little lines as part of my journey. We’ve been through a lot together.
Horse riding made you muscly and then I neglected exercise and you got a bit wobbly. But you never stopped being beautiful. And you’ve helped me run away from danger. Thank you.

Modelling my Kinky Knickers (100% British made!)

Butt
Dear Butt,
You and I have had a difficult relationship. When you grew, I was paranoid it was too much. I feared other people’s judgement and then scrubbed you with rough things to rid you of your cellulite. But I understand now that lumps and bumps are natural and beautiful despite what the media would have us believe.
You’ve supported me, giving me a comfy cushion to rest on. Love you!

Me yoga'ing, which keeps the Supple

Waist, Belly & Hips
OK, you lot, look, I know everyone says Hips are child-bearing, but we both know that ain’t gonna happen. And maybe I've huffed at your pointless width in the past.

I know we struggle to find jeans which cater for you and Lower Back’s inny nature. But we get there.

I've come to love your curves. Jessica Rabbit rules!
Seriously, I've spoken to a lot of men in my admin career, from varying backgrounds. The vast majority prefer curves on women (just in case that has any meaning to anyone).

And who cares if Belly sticks out a bit? Not many people actually have washboard stomachs. Brain and Heart aren’t terribly keen on the idea of exercising to that point so I will love Belly just as she is. Did the lady in the film Pulp Fiction not wish for a pot belly? Do belly dancers not have sticky-out tummies, yet remain alluring?
Belly houses Tummy Monster, and as long as that gets fed we’re all happy.

You help keep the rest of Body mobile. The core muscles keep us upright and support Back – a vital part of me.

Arms, Shoulders & Back
Dear Back,
I’m terribly sorry that you were in so much pain in 2019. I’m doing my best to keep you mobile. Bear with, we’ll get there.

Arms – you have bingo wings. When I wave so do you. Society would tell us that’s not attractive. But hey, we’re over 40 – you’re never going to be non-flabby again. I need to make my peace with that.
Shoulders – I’d very much like it if you wouldn’t store all my tension in you, please. In return, I’ll do more yoga and stretching. I do appreciate you, especially as you help me carry beautiful hand/shoulder bags.

Unicorn pyjamas - yeah! 

Boobs
Now, I know people used to tease you for being small. It was hurtful and mean. Why is it usually women who pick on these things, despite the beauty ideal being set by the patriarchy? Girls, we really need to support one another better.
But Boobs, you grew and now you’re rather splendid. And even when you lose your pertness, I will still love you.

Face, Hair & Neck

Oh, Face. I know I stare at the dry, red skin and get overly critical because of those little bits. But as a whole, you do an amazing job. You house eyes to see, nose to smell, tongue to taste (VERY important!). You help me breathe and even hear, thanks to Ears.
Neck; I demand a lot of you. Maybe I need to treat you more kindly so you and Shoulders don’t hurt so much. And now age is catching up, there’s some wrinkly skin. You know what? Age is beautiful too.
Hair – you carry on being lovely you! Over 40 and you’re still long. I tried a short cut once and decided you’re easier long.

My insides - when I broke my poor wrist
(last time I ever go ice skating!)

Insides
Oh, my squishy innards - how marvellous you are. Nobody judges you on how you look, as most of the time you're not even on display. Yet, you're pretty high maintenance - I have to feed you nutritious food and the right drinks so you can perform your millions of functions every day. You do the vast majority of complaint. Billions of cells regenerating on a more efficient, less flamboyant version of Dr Who. You're incredible!

I broke that bone in the photo and you healed even that. Over time, you clubbed together and grew more bone stuff and fixed what I'd been careless of.

Brain - you work SO hard, and yet I demand even more from you and you oblige me by coming up with new books. But all the time you're ensuring all the others bits are still on top of their game. Thank you so much. I love you.

Heart - you pump the blood and hold the feelings. You often disagree with Brain, but I do try to listen to you both and make informed life choices.

And soul - oh, you thing of gorgeousness! I've come to know you better of late. You light me up, show me important things on my life path. You are my very essence in this flesh bag. You are the everlasting, the thing which will continue even when this body is no more. You are me!

Image created for #iweigh on Instagram which is awesome

Me
And talking of me - the sum of all my parts...
I am me!
It has taken me so many years to reach the point I can declare, loud and proud, "I am me!".
Don't like me? Who the f# cares? That's totally on you. You're in no way obliged to like me. Maybe I'm "too weird" or too anything, hell, maybe I'm even not enough something to meet your exacting standards. And I shan't lose one wink of sleep over it. Why?
Because, and this is super important... I...LOVE...ME!
I am authentically my true self. I live my life my way. Just doing my best to live.
Wanna come along for the ride? Awesome - I am friendly and appreciate the company.
But if you don't, well, that's a pity, but we all have our own path. I'm just walking mine. You walk yours.


*side note* All photos are of this author. Taken at varying stages. Some admittedly were when I was at my thinnest - I'm just too busy right now to take pics for each of these categories so am using what I had.


OK, I hope this blog post hasn't been too odd for you.
We all have bits we're not happy with and bits we love, right?

JOURNAL - The Fat Girl's Guide to Loving Your Body - entry 3

Book available to buy here

Entry 3 - My Relationship With Food

I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm depressed. The only time I don't emotionally eat is when I'm stressed. 

Hubby will tell you I'm ruled by my Tummy Monster. And boy, you don't want to be near me when I'm hungry - grr, baby! 

My formative years, I was fussy. 
I remember learning where ham came from and feeling sick. No longer did I want ham sandwiches for lunch. 
But my mum gave me jam (jelly) sandwiches instead and they were just soggy. 
Then came the 'sandwich spread' which looked like someone had vomited into bread. Didn't taste much better either. It was like sweet, manky coleslaw.
Back then, there wasn't a huge amount of choice. So, back came the ham (*slaps head to forehead*). 
I tried hiding my sandwiches to avoid the lunch inspectors telling me off for not eating the stuff my tummy rejected. It wasn't long before the caretaker ratted on the person hiding sandwiches, wrapped up in paper towels in the bin. The headmaster got really angry in assembly about it. I don't know why they were such food Nazis. It was junior school btw. 
Apparently, sandwiches don't flush well. The headmaster got even angrier when the toilets got blocked (*sniggers*). 

Fuck me, I must've been dangerously close to anorexia! 
Fortunately, I've always had a vomit phobia, otherwise I think I may have gone on to develop bulimia. 

This was also nicely tidied away once I started senior school. Each form sat with their tutor at the head of the table. We were served decent hot meals. The rule was we had to have something of everything on our plate and eat it. Rice pudding days were the worst - 1 tsp of the puke COVERED in chocolate powder, swallowed whilst holding my nose and scrunching my eyes! 

But, they were supportive teachers. There wasn't any yelling. Just gentle encouragement. Under their watch, I began to eat normally and I became a "healthy weight". See where I'm going with this? 

Mind you, my 2nd senior school had terrible food, so I munched a few leaves and a chocolate mousse most days. The 3rd served cardboard-like burgers. 

No, my relationship with food has not been a healthy one.  

I have a sweet tooth AND a savoury tooth. I love crisps (chips), sweets (candy), chocolate, desserts. Until fairly recently, I loathed vegetables. I'd just about manage peas and carrots. 

Alright, so, when I got to my fat stage (remember the pregnant dress?), I did something about it. 

I know a UK 16 isn't necessarily an enormous size. But, according to BMI (yes, we know that was initially intended as a statistic measurement of comparison and was never meant to be a "fat standard" and is therefore bullshit in its modern use), but I was classed as overweight, almost obese. 

As a former model, this was actually very large for me. I had a very skewed comparison to measure up to. The pressure I put myself under to get back to my nineteen-year-old-self was ridiculous. 

But, Hubby and I ended up going to Slimming World. 

A curious thing happened. The number on the scales started coming down and I felt a bit chuffed with myself (I'm super competitive). BUT it didn't make me feel much better about myself. Oooh, you mean my weight wasn't my real issue?? Knock me down with a feather! No shit, Sherlock! Der! 

Clever ole' me had also started on a path of holistic healing. I'd been doing that for a while, to be fair. But Reiki was increasingly part of my life, and my Reiki Master is a beautiful soul. Whilst under her care, I started mingling with people like me. At last! At long long last!! I found my tribe to vibe with!!! (stop giggling, you filthy minded people!). 

I met actually lovely, supportive, friendly people! 

Hubby had come as a complete shock - I didn't realise men came in 'nice' until him. 

And now I had found friends. 

This was just all too much! Not real, surely? Wait, where was the punchline? The bit where life snatches them all away? Nope, still not here, several years later. In fact, the more people I start to mix with, even more come along. It's marvellous 💓

Now, Slimming World was teaching me how to eat nutritious food (and we don't believe in sweeteners so kinda did our own thing a bit tbh). 

And I had reaffirming friends. And I began to exercise. 

As a kid, I was sporty. Remember the netball photo? There were teen years where PE was negative. But then I found horse riding - THE most therapeutic activity. Sadly, I can't really afford it at the moment, otherwise I'd be out on a horse every week. Hell, if I had the money, I'd have my holistic farm retreat and horse rescue. I'm not quite there yet. 

Yes, this is me!

Erm, in the interests of full disclosure, I no longer have the original version of the above photo. I thought it made me look fat so I actually Photoshopped it a bit at the time (*face palm*).

Anyway, with POSITIVE messaging about food and with friends, my mindset began to change. 

I learned to have a GOOD relationship with food.

Hubby and I got adventurous...in the kitchen...cooking 😉

We experimented, tried new foods and recipes - found healthy food we like! 

He began jogging and finally got me to join him. I NEVER EVER thought I'd enjoy such a thing. But I started to actually like it. I know, right! We'd both been very much the "if you see me running join me as there's a monster chasing me" category. And we used to mock those who ran for fun (*hangs head in shame and apologises profusely*). 

There was one particular day, my depression was kicking in hard. Hubby dragged me out for a run. On the way home I realised I felt...happy! What? But I was all blue and mopey. Jogging boosted my mood. Fuck, that means the doctors were right about something. I mean, I'd heard for years about the advice of exercise releasing endorphins and therefore making you feel good. I just never really believed it...until that day it happened to me. 

The key seems to be to find exercise YOU ENJOY! Not punishing yourself with it.

I have put a bit of weight back on since I stopped going to Slimming World. But I'm fine with that. Just so long as I don't have to go and buy a whole load more clothes again. 

Weight loss was expensive!! I kept having to buy smaller sizes 😵 

But now I'm where I want to be I'm not changing. 

We all have it - that natural balance point our bodies NATURALLY want to be at. That stage you're not fighting yourself. I'm there. And you can be too. 

My 40th birthday - Hubby got my book made into cake!

What's my relationship with food like now? 
Good, thanks. 
😊

But that's why I wrote Self Love. I found my happy and wanted to help others find theirs. 


Always in love and light,
TL

JOURNAL - The Fat Girl's Guide to Loving Your Body - entry 2

Book available to buy here

OK, onto entry 2 - Messages.

I already started listing some of those in the last entry. But it's a whole can of worms which extends far beyond the realms of the weight issue alone.
General unworthiness was created by such gems as my father's, "You're alienated." - oh, there was a whole rant on that one.

Let's see... more horrific things at school. I changed to a private school where the girls teased me for sounding "common". I had elocution lessons. Changed school, got teased for wearing hairspray!? And I was still getting called beanpole - that followed me around. See, girls are the meanest. I don't know if I sparked jealousy and that's why they lashed out. I've never actually been vain; if anything I thought I was gawky looking.
All the while horrific things were happening at home.

I then changed school yet again, and ended back in the state sector. They teased me for sounding posh - can't bloody win!?

(NOT me)

Let's fast forward a bit to my first husband.
I became a model and suffered abuse there too.

Interesting story - others told me I'd never be a model so I did it just to stick my fingers up at them in a big 'fuck you'! All those bullies at school - I was making a success out of the very thing you teased me about - double fuck you!
Every authority figure who abused me or bullied me - go to hell, I don't need you and I'm gonna prove it!

I was molested in a public lift shortly after I began modelling. I had to go back to the same location the next day and wore my baggiest, ugliest jumper (despite being a hot summer's day), zero makeup - I looked a mess. Know what? I still had a couple of guys catcalling me in the street!!

I was out with my friend one day. She later told me she noticed because she's fat and nobody looked at her that way. But she pointed out that every male we walked past ogled me. I'd got to a point I didn't even notice. I tried to walk along not making eye contact.
Honestly, I'm like a weirdo magnet. I avoided going out on my own. Of course, the husband added to that paranoia - over-protective is a nice way of putting it. Narcissist may be more accurate though.

One employer told me off for flirting with a customer I was selling to. I didn't think I was, but apparently it's something I do naturally. She made me feel bad about it. Terrible. I tried closing myself down that little bit more. Oh, is that more self-loathing? (*laps it like a kitten with milk*)
Poor young, beautiful woman! I want to hug her so bad!! Just one grain of kindness would've been nice. Enough to save her. Oh, there were times she so badly needed saving and got nothing but kicks. There were times she very nearly didn't make it and only fate (whatever name you choose) saved her from the dark abyss. I'm talking in the third person now. Yeah, it all feels like it happened to someone else. Echoing down the annals of time.

"You have to suffer to be beautiful," my mum used to tell me as she yanked a brush through my hair.
Nobody ever said I'd suffer because I was beautiful!

Not long after all that I began putting on weight - a security blanket. If I was no longer skinny I'd be ugly according to their logic. I'd be undesirable.
All the time I was shrinking further into myself on the inside, I was cushioning the outer layer - I was gonna hide beneath so many layers even I'd never see myself! I'd become invisible. Stop looking at me!!
This wasn't a conscious decision or even thought. It just sort of happened.
And boy, did the husband have stuff to say about it! He'd moan at me for eating crisps, tell me point blank I was fat. Guess he didn't want his trophy wife "going to rack and ruin" or "becoming a pig".

Model agents had already demeaned me to my lowest point - they're not backwards in coming forwards, pinpointing all your tiniest flaws, why you're unworthy of that casting/job. Seriously, nitcpicking, seeking out any areas of insecurity like heat-seeking missiles and finding their target - obliterating any shred of self-respect you may have still been foolishly clinging onto! Models aren't people, they're walking coat-hangers. Verbal and physical abuse - the industry has it all!

I digress. What I mean to point out is that when the husband belittled me it was almost expected. Everybody else had always criticised my appearance - this was just my life. I knew no different.
Fuckers!!!

As that marriage went into steep decline I ironically lost over a stone without trying - stress had rendered me incapable of eating. Oh, if only I'd still been modelling - I got back down to an unhealthy UK size 8 - I would've been in great demand - pale, bony, drawn!? Bitter? Me?? Pshaw!

Anyway, some traumatic turmoil later, I found Hubby (husband no.2). Oh, he filled me with joy. Aher, and food. I was happy and I happy ate. Only Hubby doesn't mind me being chubbly so didn't say a word.
I ate my way up to a UK size 16 (US 14/EU 44).
I'm probably jumping ahead of myself now. But This was when I tried on a dress that made me cry. It was an empire line which should flatter my pear shape. It didn't! It literally made me look pregnant.

Oh, and my young step-daughter asked if I was pregnant. As did my brother who I'd not seen for a while. No, just fat, thanks for asking. Girl, I can understand; she was very young and had no filter, plus she kinda hoped I was. Brother? Wanker! The lady at work who asked the same? Just bitch! She actually asked with malicious intent. I think even my gran even asked the dreaded question too.

(not me either)

As a former model, my looks had become my earning ability.
Others had always treated me differently judged on my appearance.
I NOW JUDGED ME!
I was holding myself up to what society told me I should look like. And I found myself lacking, or rather, excessing!? (totally a word!)

Can you see how fucked up I was?
Phew, was I too skinny? Too fat? Too...whatever? For fuck's sake!!
According to "them" I've been both in my life. "They" made me unhappy either side of the scale. Even when I'd managed to find the happiness my life had been lacking for 27 years, weight knocked me on my arse.
Do you know how infuriating that is? To finally, finally, after a life filled with torment, to finally find joy only to have yourself get in your own way?
AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

CAN I NOT JUST BE HAPPY FOR ONE DAMNED MINUTE?
You know what? The answer is yes. But that really is jumping ahead. And I've waffled enough for one blog post.
Suffice it to say I've had a LOT of negative messaging about my weight on each side of the scales.


Always in love and light,
TL

JOURNAL - The Fat Girl's Guide to Loving Your Body - entry 1

Book available to buy here

I'm currently reading the above book which gives you journal assignments. So, I've decided to put mine on my blog here - sharing is caring; hopefully it will help others. But also, it'll hold me accountable, ensuring I carry on.

Quick intro to me...
I literally wrote the book Self Love.
I have already started my own self-love journey and thus that book was born.
However, I've never said I'm not a work in progress. So, this is the next step in my journey. See if I can get even better at this loving myself thing.

Assignment 1 asks us to name the first time someone called us fat.
But I'm bass ackwards too, Krista. My journey starts with the first time someone called me skinny. There's a whole circle of hurt to go through to get to my "fat period".

Let me take you back to my childhood...

  

Aww, wasn't I cute? lol
My netball picture on the left - I'd clearly been watching too much "We Are the Champions" - a sporty game show at the time for kids where they'd pose ridiculously as shown here. Tee hee.
(OK, how many times can I self-deprecate already? See; work in progress.)
Ooh, just noticed the beautiful colour coordination with the book cover - aww!

I was naturally thin AND was a fussy eater.
My mother used to make me take chewable vitamins as she was concerned about my health (*bleurgh*).
When I was around 7 years old, a new girl came into our school my best friend forever decided she liked her more. To "break up" with me she got mean, and things were said. Amongst which was, "You're too skinny."
Caught up in the turmoil of our epic split, the other girls in my class started to call me "beanpole".
Even my teacher used to torment me with, "You're so feeble." 😱 Yep, my teacher!! I may never refer to her again, so let me share her comeuppance.

(*Slight digression*) Said teacher refused to let me wear my sunhat in the playground. I'd just almost been hospitalised with sunstroke - no exaggeration, my life was on the line. My father, in a rare show of heroism, strolled into class unannounced one day. Knowing my father, he was possibly inebriated. He demanded to speak to the teacher, who followed him out of class, tail between her legs. They didn't go far and there were no doors. Oh, "he tore her a new one" (gave her a dressing down/yelled painful truths at her). Suffice to say, I was thereafter allowed to wear said protective headgear.
If I ever doubt my daddy's love, this is one of the very few moments I can reflect upon, smile, and know he loved me. Nobody was going to endanger his little princess!

Anyway, weight stuff...

When I was about 10, my boyfriend dumped me because, "You have no arse." - to this day, it baffles me why this was any of his concern at such a tender age, but there it is.

Back to my seven-year-old self... a whole mess of realisations were dawning in my formative mind. They all got mixed up in one ball of crap. The general pain and angst grew the, "you're too skinny" into something far more than it should ever have been.

I became isolated, alone and friendless. 
Why? Apparently, because I was too thin.
A nice problem to have? Oh, far from it, my friend. But I suspect there'll be plenty more details to come on this. I don't want to jump ahead of myself.

This was probably the very start of it; my problems with weight.

Always in love and light,
TL