JOURNAL - The Fat Girl's Guide to Loving Your Body - entry 3

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Entry 3 - My Relationship With Food

I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm depressed. The only time I don't emotionally eat is when I'm stressed. 

Hubby will tell you I'm ruled by my Tummy Monster. And boy, you don't want to be near me when I'm hungry - grr, baby! 

My formative years, I was fussy. 
I remember learning where ham came from and feeling sick. No longer did I want ham sandwiches for lunch. 
But my mum gave me jam (jelly) sandwiches instead and they were just soggy. 
Then came the 'sandwich spread' which looked like someone had vomited into bread. Didn't taste much better either. It was like sweet, manky coleslaw.
Back then, there wasn't a huge amount of choice. So, back came the ham (*slaps head to forehead*). 
I tried hiding my sandwiches to avoid the lunch inspectors telling me off for not eating the stuff my tummy rejected. It wasn't long before the caretaker ratted on the person hiding sandwiches, wrapped up in paper towels in the bin. The headmaster got really angry in assembly about it. I don't know why they were such food Nazis. It was junior school btw. 
Apparently, sandwiches don't flush well. The headmaster got even angrier when the toilets got blocked (*sniggers*). 

Fuck me, I must've been dangerously close to anorexia! 
Fortunately, I've always had a vomit phobia, otherwise I think I may have gone on to develop bulimia. 

This was also nicely tidied away once I started senior school. Each form sat with their tutor at the head of the table. We were served decent hot meals. The rule was we had to have something of everything on our plate and eat it. Rice pudding days were the worst - 1 tsp of the puke COVERED in chocolate powder, swallowed whilst holding my nose and scrunching my eyes! 

But, they were supportive teachers. There wasn't any yelling. Just gentle encouragement. Under their watch, I began to eat normally and I became a "healthy weight". See where I'm going with this? 

Mind you, my 2nd senior school had terrible food, so I munched a few leaves and a chocolate mousse most days. The 3rd served cardboard-like burgers. 

No, my relationship with food has not been a healthy one.  

I have a sweet tooth AND a savoury tooth. I love crisps (chips), sweets (candy), chocolate, desserts. Until fairly recently, I loathed vegetables. I'd just about manage peas and carrots. 

Alright, so, when I got to my fat stage (remember the pregnant dress?), I did something about it. 

I know a UK 16 isn't necessarily an enormous size. But, according to BMI (yes, we know that was initially intended as a statistic measurement of comparison and was never meant to be a "fat standard" and is therefore bullshit in its modern use), but I was classed as overweight, almost obese. 

As a former model, this was actually very large for me. I had a very skewed comparison to measure up to. The pressure I put myself under to get back to my nineteen-year-old-self was ridiculous. 

But, Hubby and I ended up going to Slimming World. 

A curious thing happened. The number on the scales started coming down and I felt a bit chuffed with myself (I'm super competitive). BUT it didn't make me feel much better about myself. Oooh, you mean my weight wasn't my real issue?? Knock me down with a feather! No shit, Sherlock! Der! 

Clever ole' me had also started on a path of holistic healing. I'd been doing that for a while, to be fair. But Reiki was increasingly part of my life, and my Reiki Master is a beautiful soul. Whilst under her care, I started mingling with people like me. At last! At long long last!! I found my tribe to vibe with!!! (stop giggling, you filthy minded people!). 

I met actually lovely, supportive, friendly people! 

Hubby had come as a complete shock - I didn't realise men came in 'nice' until him. 

And now I had found friends. 

This was just all too much! Not real, surely? Wait, where was the punchline? The bit where life snatches them all away? Nope, still not here, several years later. In fact, the more people I start to mix with, even more come along. It's marvellous 💓

Now, Slimming World was teaching me how to eat nutritious food (and we don't believe in sweeteners so kinda did our own thing a bit tbh). 

And I had reaffirming friends. And I began to exercise. 

As a kid, I was sporty. Remember the netball photo? There were teen years where PE was negative. But then I found horse riding - THE most therapeutic activity. Sadly, I can't really afford it at the moment, otherwise I'd be out on a horse every week. Hell, if I had the money, I'd have my holistic farm retreat and horse rescue. I'm not quite there yet. 

Yes, this is me!

Erm, in the interests of full disclosure, I no longer have the original version of the above photo. I thought it made me look fat so I actually Photoshopped it a bit at the time (*face palm*).

Anyway, with POSITIVE messaging about food and with friends, my mindset began to change. 

I learned to have a GOOD relationship with food.

Hubby and I got adventurous...in the kitchen...cooking 😉

We experimented, tried new foods and recipes - found healthy food we like! 

He began jogging and finally got me to join him. I NEVER EVER thought I'd enjoy such a thing. But I started to actually like it. I know, right! We'd both been very much the "if you see me running join me as there's a monster chasing me" category. And we used to mock those who ran for fun (*hangs head in shame and apologises profusely*). 

There was one particular day, my depression was kicking in hard. Hubby dragged me out for a run. On the way home I realised I felt...happy! What? But I was all blue and mopey. Jogging boosted my mood. Fuck, that means the doctors were right about something. I mean, I'd heard for years about the advice of exercise releasing endorphins and therefore making you feel good. I just never really believed it...until that day it happened to me. 

The key seems to be to find exercise YOU ENJOY! Not punishing yourself with it.

I have put a bit of weight back on since I stopped going to Slimming World. But I'm fine with that. Just so long as I don't have to go and buy a whole load more clothes again. 

Weight loss was expensive!! I kept having to buy smaller sizes 😵 

But now I'm where I want to be I'm not changing. 

We all have it - that natural balance point our bodies NATURALLY want to be at. That stage you're not fighting yourself. I'm there. And you can be too. 

My 40th birthday - Hubby got my book made into cake!

What's my relationship with food like now? 
Good, thanks. 
😊

But that's why I wrote Self Love. I found my happy and wanted to help others find theirs. 


Always in love and light,
TL