PONDERINGS - Grief

 

Mine is not an extraordinary grief. Every single day people lose loved ones. And Pusskin, my beloved familiar, was definitely a loved one. 

15th February 2021 - we had to make the unthinkable Decision to the unaskable Question. Her seizures were occurring daily. Her hips were worsening. Her eyesight and hearing had been drastically reduced. When she gave us The Look, we knew we had to do the right thing by her. 

But knowing you've stopped a pet suffering, that you did the best thing for them doesn't ease the pain, does it? 

As a trained counsellor, I KNOW the grief cycle:

• Shock
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Nope, knowing what you're going through doesn't ease the pain either. 

And oddly, they miss off 'guilt'. Every single death I have known or seen others go through involves some form of feelings of guilt - it's an odd one but it's there. Those "what ifs" can really hold you back - don't listen to them. Things happened the way they did - no changing it. And just maybe they had to be that way (as much as we perhaps wish otherwise). 

Hubby rarely takes time off work but in Divine Timing, it so happens he was here with me.

As soon as Hubby and I returned from the vet, I rounded the corner ready to announce my arrival home to Pusskin with a cuddle - doh! 

I immediately took her things away from my eyeline . Nope, that didn't help either. 

I still checked her litter tray on my way to the loo as well. 

And I keep watching where I tread in case she's under my feet. And when I was making my dinner (which I had no interest in), she wasn't weaving around then either. 

It's the stupid things as much as the meaningful. I even miss her annoying ways, like demanding to go outside only to come straight back in. 

Mostly, I miss her excitement as I come downstairs first thing for hugs. 

I miss my writing buddy. She's not even supervising through her closed eyelids, snoring as I type this. 

Pusskin was constantly by my side. And now she's never there. 

There's a hole. A gaping, blood-seeping, oozing, cat-shaped hole in my life. 

Everything hurts right now - my eyes, my head, my heart, my soul. 

That dinner I made - it was barely touched. Food turns to ash in my mouth. 

I don't know what to do, where to put myself. My eyes keep leaking. 

I KNOW this too shall pass. But right now, it hurts like *** (insert expletive). 

There's nothing I can do but cry my way through. 

I've lost so many loved ones in my life. I know my stages well. Nope, still not any easier. 

Every loss is its own turmoil, bringing unutterable pain and anguish. Every...damn...time. 

There may well be people out there thinking, "It's only a cat!" - screw them! They clearly don't know. Pets become family. No, they're not 'people'. But that does not make them 'less'. 

Pusskin had the added benefit of being my familiar. There was a stronger bond with her than I've ever maybe had with any animal. We felt each other's feelings and even illness. She was my guardian and I was hers.

When I had a bad back and was bedridden a few years ago, she sat on my duvet, quietly playing nurse kitty. We even watched films together on my laptop.

We'd make space for each other on the sofa we shared. 

We cared for one another. 

I loved her so much that I could not let her suffer. 

I will always love Pusskin. She has carried a piece of my heart over the rainbow bridge with her. And one day, I too shall cross and we will have muchly cuddles again. 

Until then, I am left behind, learning to cope with this pain. To adapt to life without my furry friend.

No no no, this is not a woe is me post. We know that's not my style. 

I say all this because, as always, and as I said at the start, mine is not an extraordinary grief. It is very very ordinary. Grief is not a competition. It is a crapbag, sure, but not a competition.

I share because I care. Because someone somewhere needs to see this and know they are understood and they're not alone. 

There is not an experience on Earth that another has not endured. 

We all grieve. We all love. We all feel pain. We all feel joy. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

And neither am I. 

Just in case I was ever in any doubt, my own fb and Instagram have proven how loved and supported I am. Because others around me know how painful loss is - whether it be human or with paws. And I thank every single person who took the time to like, comment or message me. You really are helping me through, even if you don't know it. 💓

Just to add some comforting experiences since I typed this initial post...

I went into the garden to connect with nature whilst I grounded myself. I needed to bring my turmoil into some sort of semblance of balance. As I did so, I felt all the love I had given Pusskin return - not to my own energy but in a sort of pink, fluffy cloud surrounding me. It was ever so comforting.💟

Also, a feather drifted down outside the door in the exact place she'd be at that time, the morning after she passed. I had asked (and this is my belief, feel free to hold your own) Archangel Uriel to take Pusskin into his care, to ensure she crossed the rainbow bridge quickly and easily. 

Fine, there may have been a few cross words about what would happen if that did not transpire. No, one should not speak to angels this way but I'm not one - I was hurt and I'm sure they understand my grumpy ways. 

Anyway, this feather was my confirmation that Pusskin is in angelic care.

As if that wasn't enough, Hubby and I were driving out. At the moment I mentioned her name, another white feather floated down near the car - even Hubby pointed it out! 

But before I get 'all about me', if you too are going through loss, do look out for signs if they bring you comfort. Butterflies, bees and certain birds are often also common ones. Or random pennies. Even meaningful songs on the radio. It's all about what you believe and find comfort in. 

OK, that's probably enough. I'll go back to my discombobulation. 

Just know I send you love 💓 because...

Always in love and light,

TL

REVIEW - Buried Magic - unleashes its power

Date read: 8th February 2021

My rating: 4.5*
Genre I reckon: Witchy Suspense

Buy link: Amazon 

Follow the author: TJ Green

As Imbolc drew near, I really fancied a witchy read and this has been on my TBR pile for a while. I was not disappointed! 

It's the first of a 6 book series - just warning in advance. 

The witchy bits are very well researched - hoorah! It does not seek to paint all witches as evil harridans - hoorah again! And includes male witches - and it's three cheers from me! 

Set in a British (Cornish) seaside village, a group of peace-loving witches live in an idyll. Well, until a lady hands over a whole load of information in her will, awakening...something. The hunt for their family grimoires begins. Black magick rears its ugly head as something or someone seeks them too. 

There's a big question mark over who is truly trustworthy.

Witch trials happened in the UK before they occurred in Salem, and this is covered in the family history here, casting shadows over the present.

A fab mix of characters in a story which doesn't shy away from very real danger. 

There is a lot of scene setting for the rest of the series here, but I felt it was necessary. One must build foundation upon which the rest of the tale may stand. 

I want to say it's written in a YA style but the characters are a bit older than that. 

There's the hint of romance (behind closed doors), allowing the main focus to be on the witchy mystery. 

A fun, compelling read. I've already downloaded book 2! 

Fun spooky fact: I was reading in bed at night, and the first time dark magick sweeps in, my essential oil diffuser switched off, plunging me into darkness! 😱 My heart raced a bit, I tell ta. 

Always in love and light,

TL

REVIEW - The Dragon Sleeps - kept me awake

 

Date read: 31st January 2021

My rating: 4*
Genre I reckon: Mystery in a flapper dress

Buy link: Amazon 

Follow the author: Ellen Read

Ooh, this book was hard to put on - I read late into the night! 

It took a little while to get going but the lead-up was interesting. 

Alexandra is a girl in changing times - 1927, Victoria, Australia to be precise. She isn't fond of the society scene and has her sights on going into her father's antique business (gasp). And has a mind of her own (gasps again).

One weekend starts a chain of events in motion and wakes the sleeping dragon! A Chinese mystery begins to unfold. Plotting, avarice and death ensue. 

Alexandra holds her own, but Benedict is a charming hero. Whilst her best friend, Edith, is understandably frightened. 

Flowers scent the scenes beautifully, and I felt like I was there. Wonderful description and characters. 

Who can one trust? 

And who is Yazi? 

An elegantly conducted murder mystery with evocative story-telling. Well worth a read.

Always in love and light,

TL

REVIEW - Hell's Teeth - it's got bite

Date read: 24th January 2021

My rating: 4*
Genre I reckon: Paranormal Fantasy + Sciencey

Buy link: Amazon 

Follow the author: James Fahy

Phew, that was a wild ride!

I love how one's perceptions are subtly tested with this book. 

The vampires are not your trapped in a time warp type. They live in a dystopian future alongside humans in walled cities. The Pale are the major threat, not the "Genetic Others". 

The main character, Phoebe Harkness, is a scientist trying to correct the mistakes of the past. Extremely clever yet naive but full of snark - love her! 

She has much to learn, and it's all done the hard way as she's dragged from one horrific situation to another through no fault of her own. 

All the characters are well-developed and leap off the page to pull you into this gripping story. 

There's plenty of other-worldly beings involved - not always as they first appear to be. 

It's gruesome, scary and exciting! A unique take on vampires.

Always in love and light,

TL

PONDERINGS - Depression; an open letter

 

In this post, I'm going to get 'real' - you've been warned! 

And no, I have no idea why the photo app turned my eyes from blue to brown!? 

2020 was HARD! It sucked capitalised Donkey Balls! I think we can all agree on that. 

What's been most frustrating for me is that my depression has started biting harder and more frequently again. After many years of navel gazing & self-love, I'd gotten the hang of it and kept my mental health moderately stable. So, to see it sink is terrifying and annoying. But, there's no escaping that it's taken a battering. As, I'm sure, have many people's. 

Social isolation is a form of torture - prisoners put in isolation spring to mind. We humans, as a species, are a pack animal - we rely on social structure. To deny us this basic requirement was always going to have a detrimental effect. No days out with my bestie or mother-in-law. Confined to quarters for most of the year. 

Plus, and again, I'm not alone; the financial impact. My book sales were lower and I have had 0 temp jobs since the end of January 2020. I managed to get a few shifts on the run-up to Christmas, but with another lockdown, they're not able to onboard me permanently. 

Yet outgoings have not stopped. My meagre savings are whittling down. And I've fallen through the cracks of government assistance. When I know people who have claimed benefits for many years whilst I've worked and paid into the system for well over 20 years, this is rankles deeply. 

And poor old Pusskin became terribly unwell - she's had a few seizures and now I live in constant worry she's about to have another one with every twitch she makes. It's very stressful! 

2021 arrived, and I KNEW it wasn't about to suddenly make everything magickally better. But my birthday happened. January birthdays are usually miserable, but this one was especially so. Not only was it cold & damp with the usual reluctance to celebrate from others (except Hubby), it had the added benefit of not even being able to go out for a splendid meal. 

I had a mild chest infection on the run-up to Christmas. Then in the new year, another one struck. Illness often sucks me into a downward spiral. 

Oh, and I was hormonal. It was the perfect storm! 

I got triggered. For the first time in ages, I reached "active suicidal ideation" - I was thinking of when and how. In detail. Now, the sensible part of me knew to put a long date on that, so I got through no harm done. But it was a struggle, and I'm not going to deny it. If someone had handed me a way out at that moment I'd have taken it. 

This is not somewhere I thought I'd get to again. There's usually a slippery slope into such darkness, and I've become an expert at spotting the early indicators and taking precautionary measures to boost myself back up - a safety rope to cling onto. 

It's scary how suddenly and deeply this bout hit. 

I'm Mrs Positive - I start each day with a meditation and a positive message on Instagram. I literally wrote the book on Self Love. How the af did this happen? I don't know, and that's the most distressing part. It wasn't even a decent trigger ffs. It was just a culmination of mildly poopey things. 

⸻

Depression. It is the darkest of dark. It is the loneliest of lonely. It is the most despairing of despair. 

It can feel like you're in a deep, dark well. Or caged in with nowhere to turn. Trapped. 

BUT it is not the end. You can climb out of that pit, I promise. 

⸻

"THIS TOO SHALL PASS" once more saved me. It is a mantra I practice daily so it's ready and waiting for such times. It's short and meaningful. 

After storms there are rainbows. Keep walking through. 

Nothing is forever. 

That's why I'm writing this blog post; a reminder to anyone else who needs it. It is not a woe is me piece. There are plenty of people worse off.

But there are people experiencing dark thoughts - more than ever, and some poor souls are suffering in this way for the first time. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 

I know of someone, far too young, who recently took their own life. There but by the Grace of God and all that. 

When someone reaches that dreadful conclusion there are always people around them who suffer in turn - the what ifs and guilt are monumental. One would not like to bring that down upon another soul. 

Plus, y'know, you don't want to give up just before the good bit!! 

Find your safe place or happy thought - the one thing you can cling to which brings enough comfort to keep going just for one more day. Then another. And another. Gradually, you get through. 

And there's so much help out there. If you don't have friends or family who understand, there are many helplines. Please, please reach out. Asking for help is the most important thing someone in crisis will do. It takes courage and strength, but it's so worth it. 

You are valid. You have as much right to exist as anyone else. You are loved. 

Life is a journey. There are bad times but there are also good times. It's about learning to balance the light with the darkness - one cannot exist without the other. 

I'm fine now btw - tired and resting but OK. This isn't a cry for help. I have my support network. 

Take care.

Always in love and light,

TL

REVIEW - Death at the Frost Fair - brrrilliant

Date read: 16th January 2021

My rating: 5*
Genre I reckon: Historical Detective Short

Buy link: Amazon 

Follow the author: Karen Charlton

As someone with cockney heritage, I LOVE that this book is set around Blackfriars. It gets into the bowels of London, not the polished front of Regency romance. 

The Frost Fair was a real event and yes, an elephant really did cross the Thames on the ice in 1814! 😲

It's fabulous that this real event offers a colourful backdrop for this tale. 

And it's a great story. The characters are well-developed within the space of this short story. At no point did I feel any details were missing or skipped over. There's a realism here that I found refreshing.

Detective Lavender is a stern chap: Holmes-esque in his methodical manner.

Thoroughly intriguing and enjoyable! 

Always in love and light,

TL

REVIEW - The Princess Trap - a right royal romp

Date read: 7th January 2021

My rating: 4*
Genre I reckon: Sexy Brit Romcom

Buy link: Amazon 

Follow the author: Talia Hibbert 

Hooray - a book with a British heroine of colour! And one of the supporting characters is Muslim. Another is mentioned as being bisexual. But they 'just are' - accepted without causing issues in the story.

Cherry is a stunning, voluptuous, confident, powerhouse of a young woman. 

OK, so she seems totally inappropriate for her HR job in a school...err...academy, but hey, it's fiction. 

Enter in damaged Prince Ruben. Of course, he's devastatingly attractive too. And from some little European island.

At the start, I thought his character was going to be into BDSM, but it's more power play. 

Still, the few sex scenes are hot af! 

I really liked how Cherry was there to rescue the prince; the reverse 'damsel in distress'. 

There was good character development and plenty of action. I cared about what happened to the characters and sped through this book. 

Talking of speed, some aspects did feel a bit rushed. A little more time to expand on some points would've set this book at a 5*.

What I really did appreciate was Cherry calling Ruben out on his errors. She was upset and he was made to know about it, but she asked why he'd acted that way to gain understanding. She showed empathy and compassion.

Trigger warning: domestic violence/abuse.

If you're after a fab, modern, sexy read, pick this book. Because who doesn't love a misunderstood guy trying to be better?

Always in love and light,

TL