PONDERINGS - A Year in Lockdown

 

Here I stand, one year on. Hair messier, my waistline expanded. My goodness me, who would ever have thought back then that we would still be in lockdown? It's absolutely crazy. 

It sure has been a challenging year, hasn't it? One worthy of keeping a public note of imho. So here I write of my own experiences to share the weirdness so others know they are not alone. 

23 March 2020 - the UK goes into lockdown

"Oh, it'll only be for a couple of weeks," the nation thought.

You can tell I was thrilled!?

Last April, I wrote a post 4 weeks in, back when we had hope of the end being nigh. I was very much focused on keeping positive. 

The fear we all felt initially was alarming. It was intense. So many of us felt the apocalypse was upon us. We all hid away in our homes. Going out was like venturing into a disaster movie - people slowly wandering around in a daze, scared of one another, crossing roads. And then the masks came and it all felt worse. 

We panicked whether it was OK to walk down the road to post a letter when we'd already been out for a short walk. Up to one hour of exercise a day only was permitted. 

Remember the loo roll shortages as people panic bought? And flour became a much sought after commodity as we all took to baking. Yes, at first, we turned to baking and crafts to help distract us from the scary reality of "the new normal" (*gags on now overused phrase of the year*). 

05 April 2020 - The Queen addresses the nation - we were all in this together

"OK, we'll be like this for a couple of months."

But then our prime minister, Boris Johnson, was admitted to hospital with The Virus. That seemed terribly worrying - it really could attack anyone! 

Here in the UK, we clapped for carers, supporting all the kind people still working, particularly in the NHS. They were on the frontlines on this War of The Virus. A massive feeling of community wrapped us up in an encouraging hug. And it was a good opportunity to check our neighbours were OK (over the fence/wall). 

But then it went on. Hubby went back to work, his employer having realised he is a keyworker. I was terrified. He was now crossing the battle lines and joining the fray. The trains were ghostly quiet, the streets of London empty - the end of the world movie feeling increased ever more. 

My bestie's dad died (not from The Virus). This was maybe the hardest moment. All I wanted to do was rush to my friend's side and hug her until she cried herself out. But I couldn't. My voice was so far away from her. And she wasn't even allowed to go to his funeral, let alone me. It was disgraceful, the way she was treated. I'm only glad she had her mum and sister with her so at least they had one another. 

But then there was a little hope. We had a phased return to life, dangled in front of us like a carrot. 

01 June 2020 - Some children start returning to school

05 June 2020 - I launched my dystopian vs utopian book, Love Gaia

Um, so this was bad timing! Although people were watching lots of dystopian films, they weren't reading dystopian books. Not even ones with a positive utopian section! 

We gradually started gaining confidence. Emerging from our homes, pale and shaggy haired. 

24 July 2020 - Face coverings become mandatory in UK shops

"Hang on. This is going on a bit."

We were asses. People flocked together and overwhelmed the countryside. 

03 August 2020 - The UK government introduces Eat out to Help Out - we were encouraged to go to restaurants, with very odd restrictions in place. 

In September, Hubby and I were fortunate enough to be able to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. We strolled around Exbury Gardens and went out for a very nice meal (having had a temperature gun aimed at my head first!). It wasn't exactly the big party and reconfirmation of vows we'd always promised ourselves!? But looking back, we were fortunate to even have that. 

18 September 2020 - wave 2 of The Virus is confirmed in the UK

"Are we nearly there yet?"

At the end of September, Cece Sullivan and I heard the tragic news of someone in the indie community taking their own lives. To help support other authors more, we decided to set up Indie Book Chat. We still have an Instagram Live chat on the 1st of each month, and urge others to tune in and chat in the accompanying fb group or on Insta.

12 October 2020 - the UK introduces a tier system for who's allowed where and how

We were all very confused by the time Halloween arrived. I dressed up, socially distanced and precautions in place, and issued some sweets to the trickle of Trick or Treaters who braved it. We usually get well over 100 of them, but only a handful arrived in 2020. 

As I was handing these treats out, Mr Johnson announced Lockdown 2 - we were all to confine ourselves to home again. The nation groaned.

But we complied. The promise of being permitted a family bubbled Christmas kept us going. We went back into a tiered system from the start of December. Everything was on track. Our hope was high. 

"Just until Christmas."

08 December 2020 - the first vaccine is issued - William Shakespeare was amongst them (not THE one, obvs!)

Having failed to get a single temp job since January and NO furlough allowance, and with lower than average book sales, my finances had been hit badly. Hubby had also taken a pay cut to ensure he still had employment. So, in late November, I managed to get a Sunday job in a garden centre for the Christmas period. They were looking to recruit permanently in January.

But then ACCESS DENIED! 4 DAYS before Christmas, we were informed we wouldn't be allowed the promised family time. I, along with many of my countrymen, was incensed. I cried with anger! And those tears fell to sadness. I had barely seen my step-children all year. And now, with food and decorations all organised, we had been kicked in the teeth. 

But still I tried to focus on the positive. I wrote a blog post looking at the good things which happened in 2020.

30 December 2020 - the entire UK were put into tier 4 - effectively Lockdown 3 - officially, the lockdown was announced on 04 January 2021, but who are we kidding? 

My temporary contract ended, and the garden centre wasn't able to recruit. So, back on the rubbish heap of Forgotten I went. The UK government continue to turn their back on the freelancers and self-employed in this country. 

My mental health had been battered continuously in 2020. No, I am definitely not the only one. But it built up. The accumulated pain took me to breaking point. Abysmal weather confined me to the same four walls day in and day out.  Illness struck and it was almost the straw that broke this camel's back. I wrote a blog post on that too - the warts and all of my dark days.

But I picked myself up. I fought the chest infection, which arrived in early January and continues its frustrating pattern of getting better then coming back again. 

I haven't been tested. By the time I thought it might be The Virus, it was a bit late anyway. And actually, I know it'd be a blow too hard for me to handle - if I gave it That Name, I may well just crumple up and give in. 

I go nowhere. Hubby gets tested regularly for his work. And there's no medication, whatever it is, that will magickally cure it. I have had worse chest infections in the past and received antibiotics or anything. "Drink hot fluids, open a window, prop up on pillows to sleep" - doing. 

But this wasn't enough. Oh no, The Universe decided I could be more sad. Pusskin had started getting seizures back in late October 2020, but they were being managed and were few and far between. However, they suddenly increased. And the day after Valentine's Day, we had to take Pusskin to the vet who helped her quickly and kindly cross the Rainbow Bridge. A decision which ripped my heart out and still makes me cry as I type this. Even though I know at age 16, she'd had a good life. 11 of which were spent with us. And she was spoiled. I loved her enough not to allow her to suffer. A vow I'd made when I was very young came into full force. 

Over a month on, I still listen out for her as I come downstairs in the morning. I think of not stepping on her as I walk into the kitchen. And I miss her quiet presence at my side. 

We have seen Black Lives Matter rise up. George Floyd (in the US) will not be forgotten - killed by a policeman in May 2020. Anger and hatred sadly bubbled to the surface - understandably so. 

At the beginning of March 2021, a young lady named Sarah Everard seems to have been killed by a serving police officer in the UK (investigations ongoing).

Yes, there's been good things too. I refer you again to my 2020 Postives post. But it cannot be denied that there's been an awful lot of bad. 

"Is this ever going to end?"

I have definitely become more and more withdrawn as the year has gone on. Every promise has been broken by our government. So, as we now look forward to 21 June 2021 as an end to all this madness, you'll forgive me for not holding my breath. I pray that this time we will not be let down. 

Like many writers, I've found it nigh impossible to tap into my creativity. I participated in NaNoWriMo in 2020, knowing I needed a kick up the bum. I wrote 30,000 words in November, but precious little since. Brain fog and fear are powerful. It takes supreme effort to get the stories through. And it's energy I just don't have right now. 

As a writer, it's not like I got outside much before. But I miss my days out with my mother-in-law. I miss being able to amble around The New Forest. I miss my step-children. I miss my friends. I miss my freedom! 

From day one, I had that disconcerting feeling that something was 'off'. Something doesn't quite add up. There's a wrongness which has never left me. 

When we finally emerge again, I think we will closely resemble the Morlocks in the film, Time Machine. I really really need a haircut!!! 

But I don't want to end on a bad note here. 

Look, we've survived! That deserves a massive round of applause (and maybe another cake). 

It has not been an easy year to get through, but we have. 

And imagine the feeling of triumph as we finally march through the barricades, announcing proudly, 

"I survived Lockdown!"

Let's keep on keeping on. Not much further now. 

We didn't get this far just to get this far! 

Always in love and light,

TL